Developmental emotional neglect often feels like no one in your family loved you, or thought you were important, or special. It can also feel like your family did not look out for you, or you felt othered, like being the black sheep of the family. Emotional neglect can make us feel distant, less than, anxious, and as if we didn’t receive proper support from our family. 

Emotional neglect is considered emotional abuse, but at the same time, it is challenging for many to admit to their innermost self. If you struggled to connect with your parents or other family members while growing up, and now struggle to connect with others, this is a hallmark sign of developmental trauma. 

Family of origin or developmental emotional neglect can be difficult to determine for many reasons. Psyche tends to block out memories through repression, which is a subconscious defense mechanism that pushes out painful or traumatic experiences from conscious awareness to prevent further emotional distress.  Disassociation is another way our psyche protects us. However, disassociation tends to be a more severe form of mental detachment from reality during trauma-related events, which often leads to memory gaps. 

While suppression is a conscious act of ignoring thoughts, repression is entirely unconscious. Repression is an unconscious process where the mind pushes distressing memories into the subconscious to cope with overwhelming pain and to protect us from feelings of guilt, anxiety, and emotional distress. The brain blocks out the memory from being accessed consciously. This can be a response to severe trauma and often leads to the victim seemingly unaware that a traumatic experience occurred, while still being affected by the trauma through their behavior and in relationships with others.  

Repressed thoughts often resurface later in life. We tend to call them triggers, but they are unresolved emotional wounds housed deep within the unconscious psyche, in the underworld of the shadow.  The shadow plays out in numerous ways, depression, anxiety, phobias, autoimmune diseases, borderline personality, and “Freudian slips,” to name a few. The shadow will always come out at the worst possible time with the worst possible outcome. 

How do we overcome emotional neglect or developmental trauma?  We must address, confront, and befriend the shadow to overcome our fear of it. Addressing the shadow can evoke uncomfortable feelings, but working through our shadow issues is much easier than living a lifetime filled with fear, distrust of others, feeling like we are not good enough, or unworthy of love.  Uncomfortable feelings will not kill you, but repression, besides making you feel miserable, often leads to physiological dis-ease and chronic issues that can kill you.